Laugh and Cry

Una hear say Jay-Z and beyonce go naija. True talk man. Thisday newpapers carry dem come for independence show. Dem say wen Beyonce come stop de show come sing naija national anthem say some people dey cry. Dem say de girl voice na like mami water. I gree say na im voice dey make dem cry. Wen dem go remember dem suffer for africa how dem no go cry. Dem go look say and na God create dem wit Beyonce oh! Abi na de alatika voices wey dem Salawa Abeni get na im go make dem cry. Abeg cry my people! After you go don pay $200 take go watch Jay-Z, for morning your eye go come down. Na dat time you go start d real cry. Dat $200 na for popular side oh! Na $800 for VIPs! Abeg hep me convert am to Naira.

Make una no get me wrong oh. E good say at least in d midst of sufferhead we still fit enjoy ourselves. D good tin be say at least area boys too fit make some small change. As i hear say many of dem become "impromtu parking attendants".

On anoder matter, Bill Gates go Ota go see baba. Baba go don prepare for am. I'm sure say e go don give Bill "injection". Wetin be injection? You no understand? Ok e go don pin am! How can you say that, he is the president of Nigeria you know. I gree! You tink say na d kind pinning wey you and me dey do? Dis na on anoder level men. Abi dem tell you say dem don finis build presidential library? Abeg d one wey i talk don do, before dem give Ribadu my number (no shaking Ribadu, me gan na espirit de corps). Na now i remember espirit de corps. Na naija way be dat; by any means necessary.



Meanwhile, e get anoder kind pinning wey fit happen an minute from now. No pretend like say you nefer hear say baba and atiku wan wound each other. Na heavy action! Na who you tink say go win. Dis na WWF abi na WBF,Sky Lolo or Little Boy Blue, make you judge.

Long time!

Long time abi lon time! na where you kon dey since? Oh men unu no go vex oh. Na my pikin kon wan do 1st birthday so na all systems go. na small com chop we been plan oh! De preparation nko? Na military precision and im we take do am, if not de tin for get k leg. Anyway, i happy to tell una say e go well. Where una own cake? I no get crayon i for draw am for una. When i don arrange mysef small i go show una some pics of my pikin. I hear say some small small boys parents don dey campaign. Make una kill dat dream. i don pay money make dem for take train two rotweillers wey i go station for my doormot.

i say una nefer hear from me small time, na im i say make i touch down. If i shell small, make una no vex oh English teachers. Na pidgin english na im i take dey write. Yes oh! Excuse full ground remain.

i get orishirishi matter to talk but na for my next posting.

cheerio!

Police & CCTV

My people, na me oh! I don come again. How una dey? I troway salute! Many many tins dey my mind na im make una nefer hear from me. I don tink so tey e be like say my head wan shrink. Wetin dey make me tink? Askor!

Anyway, inside tis tink tink na im i come begin tink about one tin wey dem write for naija paper. Wen i read am, i come digest am, i no con know weder to laugh or cry for my country. Wetin i read? No be IG for Naija police come talk sey dem wan put CCTV for Abuja and Lagos make dem take dey monitor crime. Abeg where i wan start dis discussion. Na light own we go talk abi na expertise abi na hunger wey wan kill policemen.

How dem plan power cctv wen dem dey for perpetual darkness. Ok not perpertual darkness but e remain small. If power supply dey as erratic as e dey now, e go hard dem to fit power the cctv oh. Abi una no see am so? Dem fit just dey follow one tief for camera, NEPA go come take light. Una no see sey oku a gula. Ok make we talk sey dem come use cctv take identify one barawo, how dem wan take find am. Dem get records? Abi una no hear say naija get 120 million people. Lagos on im own na 12 million people and increasing by the day.

Make we even come assume say dem see the face, identify the tief come charge am to court, e yen wa ni kini. No be for una eye na im Tafa tell reporters say "i will bounce back". Abeg make una leave me hand. CCTV my foot. Dem done find anoder way wey dem go take chop money. Dem don see say EFCC dem no dey joke so na to apply anoder method of tief tief. Dis guys are going sophisticated. You know hear say Tafa be wan buy bank, we are talking serious money here men. If na me, immediately the deal enter like dis i don retire be dat. Chikena, Iyoku banza. Befor dem go say e don tief money, i don go back my village start one farm.

Abeg make una leave Naija police jo. Dem never fit deal wit introduction of computers na cctv dem one deal with. Abi you know any police station wey get computer? How dem dey take keep or track records of criminals? You stay there.

Anyway, make mesef leave una hand small. I go write again wen my head return to im normal size. se go be.

Pidgin Poem

Party people in da house! How far? Una ears don dey itch? Well nutin spoil, I get some small okele for una. Wetin I wan give una today na sometin wey cross my mind wey I don apply to music befor. So today, I wan write una poem. But because I never perfect my own poem, I go give una translation of a popular poem. Dis na the poem wey Chinua Achebe get im title for im popular book "Things Fall Apart", but na only the first stanza i go translate. Abeg make una helep me read am.

The Second Coming
By William Butler Yeats (1921)

1st Stanza (English)

Turning and turning in a widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity

Translation into original pidgin English

As e dey turn, as e dey turn na im the tin dey scatter
The fowl e no fit hear the person wey get am;
Effrey tin come dabaru, the centre no fit holo again;
Na only confusion na im come dey dis wee world,
Na so the river wey be like blood dey vex,even e don drown the ceremony of the people wey be like pikin no sabi anytin;
The people wey better pass nko dem don tire while the ones wey no better at all na dia power come plenty pass.

End of translation

I try abi i no try? If una get a better translation oya foreward am to me. Ogadi later!

Yeye Business Man

My People, e get one gist wey i wan give una. Weder na true abi na fabu make you decide.

Long time ago when i still small, na so one chap come meet me oh say im wan sell gun. Me kuma wey dey look for money come say dat na small runnings i go organise the sale for am. Anyway, go no go na im i take style withdraw because i don see say person fit enter trouble.

Somehow somehow sha dem come link another chap to help sell am, make we call am Natty. No be him Natty don begin make the rounds dey tell anybody wey care to listen say im get gun for sale. Na so e talk sotey e come reach the ear of one guy (i don forget im name, make we call am Abego). The following dialog follow

Abego: Natty na true say you get the tin to sell?
Natty: yes.
Abego; Ok i get person wey wan buy. I go bring am tomorrow come see you.
Natty: Ok

Tomorrow don reach now and as dem plan am na im Abego appear Natty with two people wey come buy gun.

Abego:(to the men) Na dis be the man wey get the gun wey im wan sell.
Man1: Oga na true say you get gun for sale?
Natty: Yes now. (e show dem the gun)
Man2: You sure say na real gun abi na imitation.
Natty: Look dis man oh! You tink say i be yeye business man. I say the gun na automatic, e dey shoot kpa kpa kpakpa kpa.
Man1: If na so, then i am placing you under arrest for the illegal possesion of a gun. Oya handcuff am, na area "F" get am.
Natty: Oga abeg! No be me get am...

The tin wey happen to Natty be say im oju kokoro na im put am for trouble. Also im no even take time take find out who im dey do business wit.

After a few days dem release Natty but not before dem blow blow all im eye and collect "settlement" from am.

419ers

My people make una no vex oh! Na water wan pass gari but we thank the Lord. Una fit don begin wonder wetin don happen to una guy. Na the effrey day grind of life na im wan overtake me. Abeg make i tell una one tin wey happen to me last week.

No be him i don advertise for loot say i wan sell somtin. Quick, quick, i don begin receive emails say dem dey interested in wetin i wan sell. Dem ask for the condition of the item and how much i go gree sell am last. Me come tink say tis na correct oh, because the names wey i dey see na Richard Walters, Jim Cold mo ra won. Na im mesef done kia kia answer dem. Next email wey i go receive from dem now, dem come begin give me yarn. Dem dey weave me story say "somebody" dey owe dem money, so dem go send me the cheque for £4000. Make i pay am into my account and den i go deduct my own money come send dem the remaining wad. A won alakoba! One time na im i send dem reply say, mesef na naija oh make una no try dat 419 jazz. The guy reply dey hail me, say who i be make we do "business" togeder. My people na wa oh! I no blame dem na say dem no see the grey hair for my head, dem fon know say mesef na alagbari.

So therefore make una careful oh! Dis 419ers don enter anoder level. I hear say for Naija na yahoo boys dem dey call dem. Anybody wey begin weave you yarn wey sound too good, man make you run (even if later you find out say na genuine). If possible make una report am. To who? Make una ask me again, i go answer.

I hope say e no go take me anoder how many weeks to update dis blog. Abi una go helep me write. God bless.

Sportsmania

My people make una no vex oh, na garri wan pass water. I hear say some of una dey tear cloth say dem don knock England out of world cup. Una no tear cloth wen Nigeria no qualify. Which wan una dey sef? Abeg make una leave the football joh. The tension nearly wan give man pikin heart attack. Meanwhile the players and officials go still get settlement. Even though say dem lose? Yeah man! You tink say na play dem go play for Germany? We are talking serious bucks. If to say dem win the world cup dem bonus for be £300,000. Una wey be Naija abeg convert am for me. Make una no dare cry for dem oh because insurance cover, dem sef no worry.

On another matter. Dem say one Naija bobo dem don draft am into the NBA even though dem no gree give am yankee visa. Dat na babanla luck! Na im be say im suffer for Africa don come to an end. Una go say i no dey patriotic, see una mouth. You tink say naija local basketball league dey pay am correct? Man must survive! Even if na im be the least paid player for NBA im situation go still better pass if im dey play for NBBF league. Abeg make the guy enjoy himsef. More grease...

Na so actor David Williams (a la Little Britain fame) swim across the English channel to France. Somebody ask me say weder me i fit do am. I say i no blame am, na chop belleful na im dey make people do dat kind stunt. 21 mile swim! Say who die! Me i be land "animal". I remember when somebody ask me weder i fit swim. I tell am say me gan i be fish ( make e no be like say anythin spoil). Na im the babe come invite me for a swim oh! Quick, quick na im i confess, i tell am say i dey joke. E go good make person go learn how to swim oh. Olorun o ni je ki ari alakoba!

To, sei gobe!

Over and out!

My people na real over and out for England oh! Abi na only me how those boys take the penalties. E be like say dem give dem lagartil. See as dem dey draw body before dem take the penalty. You for nearly wan tink say dem don bribe dem. After dem don play well abi na tire dem tire? E easy? Abeg make una help me commesirate with England.

Politiks

My public. How far? Una go don dey wonder say wey una guy. Well na me dis. The tin wey happen be sey, as I dey for annual leave for work na im I say make I kukuma take time out for writing.

For dis few days wey I take dey res, na im I begin to tink again. I come dey tink am sey next year na election year for Naija. Una know wetin dat one mean? E mean say anoder time don come for the sharing of the national cake. Na sidon look una dey look. Unu Naija pikin for diaspora una no go run go chop national cake? Abi na look una dey look?

Some people don tell me say dat next year dem go participate fully for the election. Well, more grease to their elbow. As long as say no be presidency dem dey go for. Any man pikin wey one try OBJ for dat next year, make e don first write im will. As i see na i go die put na im OBJ dey. You know say the man been be military man, e no dey take nonsense. Just look the way im nose set you go get the picture.

Me nko? Ahh!!! Una dey look for who una go kill. Me na from afar na im i dey involve mysef for the election. Na to dey run commentary na im i dey but partisan politics? no be me and una.

I don look democracy (demonstration of craze) for Naija i come compare am with the one for UK i come arrive at the conclusion say our own variety of democracy na the crude version. I dey watch Prime Minister's question time (na where the members of the house fit ask the Prime minister questions wey get to do with the gofment im policies etc) na im make me say our own version e crude. If you see how dem dey fire Tony Blair question. I come imagine make OBJ den appear the house for questioning, na fight ooh! Abi una no hear when e tell dem for dat bomb blast for my backyard for Onigbongbo say, is it because i came here i am not suppose to be here. Abi na the time wey e tell one CAN (Christian Association of Nigeria) member say, you must be an idiot. The man fit reply am? Dem no born am well. Any attempt to reply OBJ, e no for see sunlight for the next two years.

Me i support say our democracy must reflect our own Naija values and as such go different small from the kind democracy for America, England and the rest of the world. But, at least e most get certain characteristics wey go show say na democracy. Na democracy we get now for Naija? I don't tink so! E remain small. As dey say yo bale yo bale ni labalaba fin wo 'gbo.

My people time don reach to say au revoir.

"Ya Papa day"

Dem say today na fathers day or "ya papa day" if you like. Infact i no introduce mysef proper to una my public. Me i be a "young" guy, with a young wife and one small pikin. Wey dem piture dey? Make you wait small i still dey come.

En hen!.. As i dey talk since today na father's day, na im be say na feet up for me. Abi? No mowing of lawn, no sending on errands or asking to do chores. Na like dat magazine advert wey say, "women don't expect any help on thursdays". My major coup for today be say wen the Brazil match go start and dem wan disturb me i go just show dem yellow card say today na my day as na father's day so no disturbance.

I tink small about dis so called father's day i come wonder. During the time wey me i dey grow up i no know dat one oh. Infact i know say everyday na father's day for my papa, because wen him dey watch football you dey on your own if you try to disturb am. Besides im word na law. So im no need any special day to appreciate am. If you like no appreciate am now, make you see wetin im go take your eye see. Na wen you wan buy somtin na im you go realise say e important to constantly show am respect. Me as second to last pikin respect the man gan because i no say the man dey favour me anyhow!

Tink about am now. For naija you fit tell your papa say, "dad don't be silly". Ifoti lo ma gba! Abi make you tell your mama say, "you are being stupid mum". According to my mama "na dat day you go carry me for your back". Dis ilu oyinbo wey we dey so don dey spoil some of us parents, but i am going ahead of my self. Na because the parents wey dey here no get control over dem pickin na im make dem need special day to give dem self a pat on the back. To me oh, to a large extent dis father's day na to congratulate the fathers say upon all the rubbish wey your children don pour on you either literally or figuratively you still dey stand. Indeed me sef i follow dem congrate you.

Abeg mamas and papas, i dey take dis forum take beg una. Make una no let any pikin turn una to dosunmu oh. Immediately the pikin wan start iranu ke j'egba fun! The Good book says "spare the rod and spoil the child". I no talk say make una kill dem oh! Or make una turn dem into punching bag. Na me sef sef go report you if i find out. The tin wey i dey advocate be say make papas know dem rights and make dem no fail to instill discipline for dem pikin especially wen dem still young. Again the good book say make you show your child the way to go. Na im be say make you sef live by example.

Okay oh! I don tire small, make i take small res. e go be now! According to Mora, cheerio!

On "my" marks, get set,...

Well, here we go! This is definitely going to be different and interesting. why? That's because i intend to write only in pidgin english. Will i be able to stick to that? Only time will tell! It won't be strictly pidgin but also interlaced with small small english.
So make we start our journey...If i make mistake for my grammer or the spelling, dat is if i shell make una just take cover and carry on like say nutin nutin.
E don tey wey i don wan do dis blog tin, but i just dey tink sey i no go get the time to take do am. anyway, i don start now make i see how far?
How una dey? Me i be original man from Onigbongbo for Maryland wey dey Ikeja for Lagos but now i dey for good old England.
Una don hear say dem wan give part of naija to cameroon? na wah oh! Dem don share the oil finish. Who dem share am? No be my mouth una go hear say teacher mama die. Talking of die na so we hear say Chief Sunday Dankaro (former NFA chairman) don die. May his soul rest in perfect peace.
Well, my people Irin ti bere ni yen oh. I go sign out here, be good to yourself.